


Tonight and the Rest of My Life

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Allergies, Back to Earth, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-20
Updated: 2008-06-20
Packaged: 2018-01-27 02:11:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1711190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn't need or want a tearful goodbye, but he wanted <em>something,</em> something that acknowledged their relationship—their <em>friendship</em>—and the fact that they might never see each other again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Written for McShep Match 2008 for Team Home and the prompt "One for the road". The title was taken from the song by Nina Gordon. Many thanks to mecurtin for her notes and to my lovely beta neevebrody for repeatedly going over this and making it so much better.

Rodney looked around his room. Although it wasn't really _his_ room anymore. Everything that he wanted to take with him had been packed up, and the rest had been removed and returned to the labs or storage. Every surface was sealed off airtight. It almost looked like experimental art.

Rodney settled down on the bed for the last time. He didn't think he'd be able to sleep. Jennifer had left something for that in case he needed it, but this was his last night on Atlantis. He might as well spend it awake, looking at the wrapped walls that were the cause of all of this and the only safe place for him at the moment.

Allergic to Atlantis. It was as ridiculous as it sounded. They still didn't know what exactly caused his reaction and why. They _did_ know that whatever Rodney reacted to was in the air as well, even though the effect was much more severe when he came in physical contact with the walls or the ground.

Rodney reached up to his throat, which had swollen tight within seconds after that last mission. If John hadn't immediately ordered to dial out and gotten Rodney off of Atlantis, he'd be dead now.

As it was, he'd recovered with the Athosians enough to enter Atlantis in a hazmat suit and get to his room, now furnished with a airlock just outside of it, so that he could pack his things. He'd also be able to say his goodbyes without the suit, which was a small blessing.

His return to Earth was a "temporary" relocation. They had experts at the SGC who were preparing to work with him, but Rodney tried not to get his hopes up. He still remembered the only time in his life that he'd eaten lemon pie. The sooner he accepted the facts and learned to live with them the better.

He heard the sounds of the airlock preparing someone for entrance. Maybe Jennifer wanted to check in on him again. She'd been running tests and analyzing them around the clock the last couple of days. She finally had to admit that she wouldn't find a solution any time soon. After a while, the airlock stopped and Rodney got up and opened the door before whoever it was could knock.

It was John.

Rodney stepped aside, letting him enter. He could see that John was carrying the little wooden toy from P3X-356 that usually sat on his desk. He didn't say anything. Instead, he looked around as if he hadn't seen the sealed walls before.

A melancholy smile played on Rodney's face. John wasn't much for goodbyes. Rodney had already mentally prepared himself for a terse "Good luck" and that pinched look that meant that John didn't know how to say what he felt. That John had come here at all was already more than he had expected.

John turned to him and held up the toy as if he'd only just remembered it. "It's the puzzle from P3X-356. You always play with it when you're in my office, so I thought..."

Rodney took the intertwined pieces. " _Thank_ you," he said and he didn't really mean the toy.

John made a dismissive gesture. "You can give it back to me when you return," he said with a forced smile.

Rodney sighed inwardly. So this was how they were going to play it. The John Sheppard if-I-close-my-eyes-it-isn't-there school of dealing with emotions. It wasn't something that he usually called John on. But this time it was different.

Rodney himself wasn't overly emotional, at least not physically. He could accept a hug more easily than John, but so could _anyone_. He didn't need or want a tearful goodbye, but he wanted _something_ , something that acknowledged their relationship—their _friendship_ —and the fact that they might never see each other again with the exception of the possibility of brief visits to Earth once a year.

"John," he simply said.

John didn't look at him. "They'll figure it out, Rodney. You'll be back in no time."

"What if they don't?"

"They will," John said, emphasizing his words with a nod.

John still wasn't looking at him, and Rodney didn't want to spend his last night on Atlantis fighting with him. "Okay," he said resigned.

John finally turned to look at him.

They looked at each other for a moment, and Rodney tried not to let it get to him. John was his best friend. He'd found many friends on Atlantis, and he hated to lose all of them, but the relationship with John was something he'd never experienced before in his life, and it hurt to lose it so senselessly.

"I should let you get some sleep," John eventually said.

Rodney nodded. He didn't trust himself to speak, and he didn't have anything to say because they both knew how messed up the situation was and that neither of them could do anything about it as much as they wished they could.

John gave him a quick smile and walked to the door. He stopped before opening it. He just stood there for a moment, then slowly turned around, looking so miserable that Rodney couldn't take it anymore.

"Oh, for God's sake," he said, walked up to John, and pulled him into his arms.

John stood completely frozen for a moment, but then Rodney could feel John's arms wrap around his body. They held onto each other, and Rodney closed his eyes and pressed his face into the curve where John's neck and shoulder met.

He hated this, hated that he had to go, that his body ruined the best thing he'd ever had, the best job, the best friends, the best home. He breathed deeply, refusing to cry over this. He smelled Aqua Velva and John's skin, warm and inviting and— He shouldn't be thinking that. This was just too much. His mind seemed to have forgotten that he'd gotten over those particular feelings a long time ago.

Reluctantly he pulled away. There was no point in torturing himself any longer, and it wasn't as if they could stand here and hug until morning.

John still looked miserable, and his eyes seemed a bit brighter than they usually were.

Rodney grabbed him by the neck and leaned his forehead against John's. The _only_ thing that was good about this was that they got the chance to say goodbye at all and that they knew life would go on for both of them.

John moved his hand up Rodney's arm, then along his shoulder to his neck to cup Rodney's face. The gesture was so gentle and intimate that Rodney had to pull away to look into John's eyes. It was so rare to see him show his emotions, and Rodney didn't want to miss this last chance.

John's lips parted, and the way he looked at Rodney, completely open, not hiding anything, sent shivers down Rodney's whole body. This wasn't just letting his guard down. This wasn't just saying goodbye to a _friend_.

John's gaze ran over his whole face, settling on Rodney's mouth, and Rodney closed his eyes, too overwhelmed by this revelation to keep looking at him.

"Rodney," John whispered, his mouth suddenly closer. Rodney wasn't sure if he had pulled him. Then he decided he didn't care.

He opened his eyes, twined his hand into John's hair, and drew their mouths together.

It was as if the world had stopped spinning. John's lips pressed against his, then opened up. They breathed each other's air, and suddenly there was nothing except their kiss.

Rodney felt it all over his skin and deep inside his body. The want, the need, he couldn't get enough of it, would never get enough. His hand scrambled under John's shirt, the wooden toy carelessly dropped, and when John moaned into his mouth, Rodney let his tongue flick out and into John's mouth.

He wasn't sure how, but they somehow made it to the bed, maybe through sheer force of will. They didn't stop touching any bit of skin they could reach for even a second. They never stopped kissing. It was as if they'd become a single entity. The thought sent shivers down Rodney's spine because yes, he wanted that, he wanted to feel John inside of him.

John lay on top of him, one thigh between Rodney's legs. Rodney could feel John's hardening dick pressing against his pelvis. He ran his hands beneath John's black shirt, up over his bare back.

John mouthed his way to Rodney's ear, then down his neck, pushing Rodney's shirt up as far as he could, slipping one hand underneath to play with his nipple.

Rodney groaned, then pulled urgently on John's shirt until John lifted his body and let Rodney slip it over his head. The sight of John Sheppard's naked torso hovering over him was mouth-watering. Rodney reached up almost reverently, running his hand through John's chest hair up to a nipple, circling his fingertips over it.

John watched him with hooded eyes. His lips were wet and red from kissing, and Rodney wanted to feel them again, on his lips and over his whole body. Reaching up, he pulled John's face back towards his, and this time the kiss was slow and deep. He could feel John's body tense as John moved above him, and he shuddered as John's whispered "Rodney" caressed his ears.

John tugged at Rodney's shirt, and Rodney took hold of it and pulled it over his head. His skin was slightly reddened, but John didn't seem to mind as he mouthed kisses over Rodney's chest before licking over a nipple, sucking it.

Rodney cradled the back of John's neck and held him close. John massaged his nipple with the flat of his tongue and Rodney squirmed, pressing his hard dick up against John's thigh.

John felt so good—hot and hard against him—but Rodney wanted more. He pulled John's face away from his nipple and into another kiss while easing his hands down John's back to his jeans-covered ass. Grabbing one cheek, he slipped his other hand between them to cup John's erection.

John thrust into his hand and moaned into his mouth.

Rodney pulled his mouth away. "I want you to fuck me."

John stared at him for a second, then almost collapsed. "Oh God, yes." He kissed Rodney, pushing his tongue into his mouth, before pulling back again. "Do you have supplies?"

Damn. He didn't. He'd given everything to Jennifer when she'd last checked on him. His face must have answered John's question, because John was up and out of the bed, pulling his shirt back on in a matter of seconds.

"Don't move," he said, stressing each syllable. Rodney would have pointed out how ridiculous that request was if John didn't seem so earnest. He leaned down and kissed Rodney again before closing the door behind him.

Rodney could hear the sounds of the airlock and the beating of his own heart. He closed his eyes and let the artificial air cool his skin.

He couldn't quite wrap his mind about what had just happened. It was almost as bizarre as his allergy, and he wondered briefly if maybe he was actually off-world and the whole last week had just been a hallucination.

He shook his head and closed his eyes, welcoming the images of John above him and against him. He thought about having John inside of him. The last time he'd been fucked was almost a decade ago. 

Rodney opened his pants and took hold of his cock. He couldn't wait for John to enter him. It was going to be glorious. A worthy last night on Atlantis.

He shouldn't be thinking about that. He didn't want to spend this night regretting. He'd have more than enough time for that later—maybe a lifetime.

_John, think about John,_ he told himself. He lightly stroked his erection, just enough to heighten the anticipation.

He wanted to suck John's dick, have it fill his mouth. He wanted John to fuck him hard, hard enough that he would feel it when he stepped through the gate tomorrow. Maybe he could fuck John too. And the idea of coming in John's mouth—God, he wanted that, wanted all of that.

But they just had one night.

Rodney could feel the _what ifs_ on the edge of his mind. What if they'd done this sooner? What if John had given him a sign? What if Rodney hadn't forced himself not to think of John that way?

He'd been attracted to John from the start—of course he had. He wasn't blind. But any vague hope that maybe something would happen between them took a nose-dive after Chaya and died when they made contact with Earth again. And it was okay, because his friendship with John was more than enough for him.

John was the best friend he'd ever had in his life. _He could have been even more._ Rodney refused to think about that. Here and now was what he had. This one night he would spend with John. He could lament everything else later.

He kept saying John's name in his head like a mantra until _finally_ the airlock started again and a short while later John was back.

"I'm sorry it took so long," he said, putting a large tube of lube and a handful of condoms on the nightstand. Then he looked over to where Rodney lay, hand around his dick. "You've started without me," John said, and a little pout formed on his mouth that Rodney wanted to kiss away.

He put his free hand on John's neck and pulled him into a kiss. John eagerly kissed back, holding Rodney's face with both hands. When he moved back, he looked at Rodney's lips and his whole face as if he couldn't be parted from it even a moment.

"Just let me get out of this," he said, quickly pulling the shirt off again and slipping out of his shoes and socks. After a moment's hesitation, he unzipped his jeans too. He was half-hard in his boxer shorts. Rodney thought about John walking around Atlantis like this for _him_ and started stroking himself again.

John watched him and picked up speed. Once out of his jeans, he looked from Rodney's face down his body and quickly stripped off his boxers, leaving him completely naked.

Rodney licked his lips. For a moment he just took in John's naked body, all his for tonight. "You're beautiful," he said, because it was true and maybe also because he knew that John couldn't tease him for it for the rest of their lives.

_Only tonight,_ Rodney reminded himself.

John flushed and his jaw clenched for a second, then he slowly maneuvered himself until he was positioned on all fours above Rodney. He lifted a hand to Rodney's face and stroked him with the back of it, a gesture so gentle that Rodney's chest tightened.

John feathered his hand down Rodney's body, from Rodney's neck over his breastbone, dipping into his navel for a second before clasping Rodney's hand and tugging it away from his dick. Rodney let it go, and John lifted it up to his mouth and kissed the wrist.

_Tonight. Just tonight._ Rodney wished he could banish the thoughts of losing this before he really had it. But seeing John like this, so focused, so gentle, made it almost impossible. He wanted this every day for the rest of his life.

He stroked John's cheek with the back of his hand, mirroring his earlier gesture. John smiled—an open, happy smile. Rodney loved it and envied him that smile that was without a shadow, without regret, without a trace of thinking about tomorrow.

Rodney leaned up and John moved forward as their mouths met in another kiss. He'd never get enough of kissing John, but he wanted more, so much more. He wanted all he could get this night.

He let his hand glide from John's face down his chest. The chest hair tickled his palm, and he wanted to feel it against his whole body. But first he closed his hand around John's dick. He didn't move it, just held John, feeling him harden even more.

"Rodney," John whispered into his ear, and Rodney could feel the little thrusts that John apparently tried to suppress.

Rodney tightened his hand around John, and this time John pushed into it with a breathy moan. God, this was going to be so good. Rodney lay back down on the bed and pulled John into another kiss. This kiss was rougher, dirtier and his tongue delved into John's mouth, needing a taste.

He started stroking John's dick, and John made little noises into his mouth that sang in Rodney's ears. They parted to take a deep breath, and John gave him a heated look. He moved down Rodney's body until Rodney had to let go of his dick, then licked along the part of Rodney's dick that was peaking out of his pants and let the tip of his tongue play with the head until Rodney involuntarily thrust up.

John moved away with a grin and gripped Rodney's pants. He quickly dragged them off, taking the boxers with him and soon had Rodney completely naked before him. He stood at the end of the bed, gazing down at Rodney. Taking hold of Rodney's foot, he lifted it to his mouth and smiled before playfully mouthing the instep.

Rodney squirmed and reached out with his hand, signaling John to come back into bed. He followed obediently, crawling on top of Rodney. When he was within reach, Rodney drew him into his arms until John covered him completely.

They lay chest to chest, face to face, and John smiled softly at him and said, "Hi."

Rodney just looked at his face for a moment, letting his emotions run free, all the affection he had for this dorky, brave, wonderful man. "Hi," he said back, but he knew that it didn't sound nearly as light as John.

John kissed him again, a caress of lips against lips, moving his body against Rodney's, giving them some wonderful friction.

Rodney ran his hands down John's back. Sweat was beginning to form there and Rodney wondered what it would feel like to press his face there while he was inside John. He put his hands on John's ass, one hand on each cheek and pushed up into him while kneading the warm, firm flesh.

John moved his mouth to Rodney's neck. "Do you want to fuck me?" he panted.

"Yes. No. Both." Rodney said, breathing heavily, turning his head to give John better access.

"Okay," John said, and Rodney knew that he understood exactly and it only reminded him how perfect this was, this would have been.

Before he could start thinking about regrets again, John sucked firmly on his neck, then licked over the spot and pulled back to appraise the result. He flushed, but there was also something slightly possessive in his look, and Rodney knew John wouldn't mind if it was visible the next morning. Rodney wouldn't either.

John was apparently satisfied. He smiled and reached for the lube on the bedside table. He crawled backwards and nudged Rodney's thighs apart with his knees to make room for him.

Rodney spread his legs wide and felt deliciously wanton, opening himself up for John like that. John knelt down, sitting on his heels. He kissed the base of Rodney's cock before mouthing the balls, running his tongue over Rodney's sac. Rodney's thigh muscles tensed, and when John lifted Rodney's balls up with his tongue, Rodney had to bite his lip.

He wanted John's mouth on his dick, using his talented tongue there. But he knew that he'd probably come far too soon. Then again, he was pretty sure John could get him hard again with that mouth and his hands and fucking him.

"Take me in your mouth, please."

John looked up. He moved his mouth from Rodney's balls. "I _had_ you in my mouth."

Rodney glared at him. "My dick, please."

"As you wish," John said with a twinkle in his eyes.

Rodney's legs relaxed a bit. John took his dick into his hand and stroked up and down in an almost soothing motion. Then he took the head into his mouth and sucked lightly on it. John could do amazing things with his tongue.

Rodney watched in fascination as the head of his dick disappeared in John's mouth again and again. Every time he caught a glimpse of John's tongue, heat shot through him. John's hand tightened around him, and John took him a bit deeper, sucking him in and then letting his tongue run along the ridge of the head, before dipping into the slit.

Pre-come was settling there only to be spread with John's tongue before he took it into his mouth, closing his eyes as if it were a delicacy.

Rodney had to close his eyes too for a moment at the sight.

John started to stroke him more firmly and lifted that sinful mouth to ask, "Do you want to come in my mouth or while I fuck you?"

God, how could you be asked to make a choice?

"Both?" Rodney said weakly.

John smiled, then his smile faded a bit. "I want you to fuck me. Do you think you can get hard again after coming twice?"

If anyone could make him do it, it was John. Still, he was only human and had stopped being a teenager two decades ago. He made a decision. "I want to come in your mouth, and then you can fuck me back to hardness so that I can fuck you."

"Good plan," John said with a grin.

"Genius," Rodney pointed out unnecessarily.

"Yes, you are," John said, his voice softening.

"Kiss me," Rodney said, and John leaned back down and kissed the head of his dick, half-grinning. "Up here," Rodney gently corrected.

John leaned forward to give Rodney a quick but deep kiss before settling back down and taking him in his mouth again. He started jacking Rodney off with his hand while working his tongue on the head of his cock.

Rodney tried not to thrust up, but it became increasingly hard. John put his hands firmly on his hip, holding him down, and took Rodney further down his mouth.

Rodney edged his hips up then, and he was glad that John was holding him, because he couldn't have helped himself. John's mouth was wet and tight around him, tongue licking along the shaft as he moved up and down. His back formed a beautiful arc, allowing him to take Rodney deep.

Rodney could feel the grip on his hips loosen, and when John signaled with his eyes that it would be okay if Rodney fucked his mouth, Rodney's dick helplessly twitched. He forced himself not to immediately thrust up. John's hands were still on his hips, ready to stop Rodney if he went too far, but Rodney was careful and only pushed up into John's mouth very slowly.

John squeezed him in encouragement, and Rodney moved his hips a bit faster. When John hummed around his dick, Rodney began to thrust, unable to hold back any longer. John's mouth moved again, in counterpoint to Rodney's thrusts, and Rodney realized John was making whimpering noises that turned into moans every time Rodney thrust up.

"John," he panted, unable to believe how much John wanted him.

John made a completely intelligible sound and kept sucking and licking, and it drove Rodney higher and higher with each thrust into John's tight, wet mouth. He put a hand in John's hair, letting it anchor him even as he was careful not to apply any pressure.

John gazed at him and stroked his hips with his thumbs, and when he sucked Rodney _hard_ on his next upward thrust, Rodney groaned John's name and came, shooting spurt after spurt down John's throat.

John greedily swallowed, moving his mouth up to suckle the head through his spasms until Rodney dropped back down, completely spent and satiated.

John gently let Rodney slide from his mouth and lay his head on Rodney's lower belly. Rodney didn't have enough energy to do more than breathe heavily and run his fingers through John's hair, caressing him.

His heart was racing, and he let himself come down, just thinking of John and everything they'd done tonight and would still do. "John?"

John turned his head towards Rodney, but kept his place on his belly.

"Come up here," Rodney said, because as much as he loved the sight of John using his body as a pillow, he wanted him closer.

John crawled up, and Rodney pulled him into his arms. Their bodies were damp with sweat. John felt incredibly hot against him, in both senses of the word, although right now Rodney felt the temperature more. His dick was down and out for the count—for the moment.

They kissed and turned onto their sides, John's hard cock pressing into Rodney's thigh. Rodney wasn't sure he'd survive this night. The thought of John fucking him was very inviting, even as his mind protested on behalf of his spent dick.

"I could blow you too, and we could rest before the next round," he suggested as a compromise.

John seemed to consider it. "I'd like to—" he stopped himself and Rodney frowned.

"What?" he asked. John flushed. Rodney was intrigued. "What?" he repeated his question.

John kissed him and then nuzzled Rodney's cheek, whispering in his ear. "Rub my dick all over you and then fuck your face," he confessed.

Rodney pulled his face back, and John's head was ducked down, half into the pillow. So shy and hot and dirty and all his for tonight. And he was John's, completely. Rodney nodded. "Okay."

John looked up, eyes sparking, a happy smile forming on his mouth.

He pushed Rodney onto his back, moving to the edge of the narrow bed to allow it. Then he positioned himself on all fours above Rodney.

Rodney noted the feral look in his eyes and gazed down past his chest to the hard cock that stood up proudly. It was a sight he would never forget, just like the shy looks, the affection, the heat as he had his wet, red lips around Rodney's cock.

John first rubbed his dick against Rodney's hip, then moved further up Rodney's body until he was straddling his chest. He looked down at Rodney and kept running his dick over Rodney's chest in little circles. Rodney put his hand on John's thighs, keeping his touch light in order not to disturb his movements.

John's dick was beginning to leave thin trails of pre-come on his chest, and he rubbed them into Rodney's skin as he pressed against him. Rodney started stroking John's thighs with his thumbs, and John's thrusts became more urgent. He moved further up Rodney's body and pushed his dick against his neck, allowing Rodney to kiss his lower abdomen. He mouthed John's skin, flicking out his tongue to catch a taste.

John pulled away and then took his cock in his hand, directing it to Rodney's face. He drew the head across Rodney's lips, leaving them wet with pre-come. Rodney licked it away, swiping his tongue over the head of John's cock while he was at it, but John moved it away to his cheek.

Okay, this was a bit weird, but it was also hot and most importantly, it was John who had asked to do this.

Rodney wasn't entirely sure what John wanted to do, so he closed his eyes, in case John wanted to put his dick there too.

John moved backward, though, and when Rodney felt the gentle pressure on his eyelid, it was John's mouth. John kissed first one eyelid, then the other, then Rodney's forehead, his temples, his cheeks, his chin, his nose, and eventually his mouth.

The kiss deepened, and John settled his body down on top of him, his dick next to Rodney's. Rodney felt the familiar stirring. It seemed his dick had had enough rest to take interest in the proceedings again.

John smiled against his mouth and started thrusting against Rodney's dick.

"Another change of plans?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Whatever you want," Rodney simply said.

John kissed him again and lay his head down on Rodney's shoulder, nuzzling his neck. Rodney was relaxed now and just enjoyed being so close to John. He moved his face into John's hair and took a deep breath. It didn't smell or feel like any hair product was in there. He smiled and kissed the top of John's head.

John slipped his hand between them to Rodney's dick and began stroking him. "I'm going to fuck you," he whispered into Rodney's ear.

Rodney nodded and leaned his head against John's, letting him gently coax his dick back to hardness. They moved their bodies sideways to make it easier for John to stroke him. When Rodney thrust lightly into John's hand, John's strokes became firmer, and he began to kiss Rodney's neck and mouth it. It was the same spot he'd sucked earlier. Maybe he wanted to make sure everyone would see it tomorrow. Rodney smiled at that thought.

John took a swipe with his tongue, then moved to Rodney's ear and nibbled on the lobe. "Have you ever been fucked before?"

Rodney hesitated. He wondered if John would have wanted to be his first. Probably. But then, the fact that he'd done it before meant they didn't have to be quite as careful, and it _had_ been ten years. "Yes," he said.

John didn't react in any way other than kissing down Rodney's neck again. Then he pushed Rodney onto his back and settled himself between Rodney's legs again. Rodney spread them eagerly.

John fished around for the lube and squirted a generous amount onto his hand. He leaned forward to stroke down Rodney's newly hardened dick with his other hand. He quickly continued his path across his balls to Rodney's perineum, his finger making little circles, and Rodney sighed happily, closing his eyes for a moment.

The cold slick of the lube made him open them again. John was running a lubed finger over and around his entrance. It quickly warmed, and John kept circling, brushing over and slightly into Rodney's hole. Then without further warning, he pressed a finger inside.

Rodney's hips lifted in surprise. He tightened around John's finger, then settled back down, took a deep breath, and relaxed. John moved his finger around, going deeper and deeper more slowly now until the whole finger was inside.

It really had been a while for Rodney. The idea of taking more than that finger seemed intimidating for a second but then John found his prostate and ran little circles over the gland.

"Fuck, yes," Rodney ground out.

John grinned and continued his ministrations before pulling his finger out. Rodney's instinct was to complain, but he knew what was coming and braced himself for the intrusion of two fingers. He bit his lip and forced himself to stay relaxed and open for John.

John pushed back in with two fingers, not slowing down until he reached Rodney's prostate again.

"Oh God," Rodney panted. John pressed over and around it, and Rodney mewled and pressed down on John's fingers. "More," he ordered breathlessly.

John complied and pulled out, immediately going back with three fingers, stretching Rodney wider. He didn't touch his prostate this time, and Rodney didn't mind. He was more than ready.

"Fuck me."

John pulled his fingers out and leaned forward to get a condom from the nightstand. He kissed Rodney quickly before settling back down and unwrapping it.

Rodney watched in barely contained impatience as he rolled it over his hard cock. He applied some lube and then positioned his cock between Rodney's legs.

Rodney pulled his legs back as John pushed the head of his cock against his entrance and pressed until it was inside. Rodney took a deep breath and relaxed. John looked at him and then pushed and didn't stop until he was balls deep inside of Rodney. They both groaned at that moment.

"You're _tight_ ," John said roughly. Rodney could see the strain in his neck.

"It's been a while," Rodney said. John's cock felt very big but Rodney loved being filled by him like this. He moved his feet over John's thighs. "But you don't have to be gentle."

John groaned and closed his eyes. He took a few calming breaths and then slowly pulled back until just the head was still inside.

He pushed in again, biting his lip, and Rodney lifted his head and reached out for him, meeting John in a kiss. Rodney pulled him into his arms and pressed his heels into the small of John's back.

John started thrusting, his cock pressing in and moving out at a steady rhythm. Rodney moved beneath him, angling his legs higher and on the next downstroke, John changed the angle and hit his prostate.

Rodney groaned into John's mouth and tightened his whole body. John froze and then began to fuck him in earnest. He thrust into Rodney at a furious pace, hard and deep, stretching Rodney to the limit. Rodney felt it burn through him, better than he could remember, filled completely, filled completely by John.

Again and again John pushed into Rodney's body, mercilessly drilling his cock against Rodney's prostate until Rodney was a wanton mass of lust, moaning constantly and helplessly spasming under and around John's body, his dick leaking pre-come onto his stomach.

"John," he groaned.

"Rodney."

"I'm going to—" _come_ he meant to say, but _die_ seemed more correct, because this onslaught was too much. His heart was beating out of his chest, his body was singing, and Rodney felt that any moment now he was going to spontaneously ascend because this was perfection.

"Rodney!" John froze and jerked inside of him, and Rodney let go and came on his stomach.

He felt John's last spasms then the loss as John carefully pulled out and collapsed on top of him. Rodney welcomed his weight, wishing John could have stayed inside of him forever, but then the need to breathe took over, and he rolled them to lie sideways.

They just lay there panting for a while. Rodney's heart was beating as if he had run a marathon, which didn't seem too far off the truth actually. He couldn't remember ever having sex like this. And John still wanted him to fuck him.

"So much for the plan," he said between breaths.

"Give it some time," John said, watching Rodney's limp dick. Rodney admired his optimism.

John got up from the bed and slipped off the condom. He threw it away and looked at the plastic covered bathroom door.

"Oh yeah, I have a makeshift 'bathroom'," Rodney said, pointing towards the corner where he'd been set up with a portable toilet and basin.

John wet a little washcloth and came back to the bed. He sat down and gently began to clean up Rodney. He worked diligently with a look of love in his eyes that went straight to Rodney's heart.

When he was done, he went back to the basin, rinsed the cloth and quickly cleaned himself. Then he came back into bed and settled down in Rodney's arms.

Rodney pulled him close and looked at him, feeling so many things that he couldn't put into words. He gently kissed John and then lay down, taking John with him.

Regret was threatening to overcome him again, but he pushed it away, thinking about what he had right now: John in his arms, their bodies entangled after the best sex he'd ever had. Their mingled sweat cooled down their bodies, and John's fingers played with his chest hair until moving down Rodney's arm to clasp his hand.

Rodney could feel himself drowsing. "We could sleep for a bit."

They moved to tug the sheet up around them. John watched him, and Rodney knew he wanted to say something.

"What?" he prompted.

"Can I wake you? It's okay if you'd rather—"

"Yes, wake me up," Rodney interrupted him. "And I'll wake _you_ up, in case you fall asleep. I don't want to miss anything."

John smiled and stroked his cheek. Then his look became serious.

"I love you."

Rodney's heart skipped a beat. To hear those words meant the world to him and yet— He stopped any further thoughts in that direction. _Tonight,_ he reminded himself. John was here now and he loved Rodney. And no matter what, this was still the best thing that had ever happened to him.

"I love you too." The words came easily. He _meant_ them—without doubt, reservation, or regret. He didn't know for how long he'd loved John, and he didn't dwell on it now. He could think about it later.

John smiled and kissed him. When he pulled back, he just watched Rodney and his smile widened. Rodney couldn't help smiling back. He'd never seen John so happy. And he would carry that image with him wherever he went for the rest of his life.

They settled down to sleep, and Rodney reminded himself to only rest for a moment before drifting off, completely content in John's arms.

He woke twice that night. The first time John kissed him awake, hand around Rodney's dick. They made out and touched each other until they were both hard again and then John started preparing himself until Rodney could shake himself out of his stupor at the sight and take over.

John rode him, sinking down on Rodney's dick and lifting himself up again, and it was a sight to behold, as so many others that night. Eventually they turned around and Rodney fucked John, looking down into his face the whole time, their hands clasped together next to John's head.

Rodney came first, pulled out and stroked John to completion, taking him into his mouth to suck him until he was spent.

The second time he woke up while John was still sleeping. He just watched him for a moment, taking in the relaxed features in detail. The stubble on his chin, the slight unevenness of his nose, that little spot on the left side of his cheek. Those amazing lips.

Rodney couldn't help himself and lightly ran a finger along those lips. Then he leaned forward and kissed them until John returned the kiss, putting one hand on Rodney's head and the other around his back.

They made out until John's lips were swollen and red and shining, and then they made out some more until the kisses slowed down and they were just lying there, mouths pressed together.

Rodney couldn't actually remember falling asleep, but he must have because he woke up in the morning when he heard someone talking. John wasn't in bed, and when he looked up, he could see him at the door in his boxers and shirt.

The door closed again, and John turned around. He was surprised when he saw Rodney awake. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you."

"'kay. Who was it?" Rodney mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"Keller. She came in to check on you. I told her you were still sleeping." He looked at Rodney as if asking if that had been the right thing to say.

"Good," Rodney said with a nod. Then his eyes widened as he realized the ramifications of it. "She saw you like that, at," he looked at the watch, "eight am in my room."

"It won't be a problem," John said, slipping back into bed.

Rodney frowned. "Did I miss something? I know I'm not paying close attention to the military news bulletins sent from Earth, so have I missed the part where common sense suddenly set in and soldiers can have relationships like any other person on Earth?"

John shook his head and smiled, though there was a note of sadness in it. "Nope. Common sense hasn't set in, don't worry."

"So?" Rodney prompted.

"She won't say anything. Besides she already knew," John said with a blush.

Rodney's eyes narrowed. "Since when?" he asked, puzzled, considering they'd been nothing more than friends less than twelve hours ago.

"I didn't have any condoms," John admitted. "So I went to the infirmary, and she was there and... well, she didn't have to _ask_. She just gave me all of this," he pointed at the rest of the condoms and the lube on the nightstand, "and told me to contact her immediately if you showed any signs of another reaction."

Rodney took that in. He still felt bad about it, because it _was_ a risk, even if only a small one. But he trusted Jennifer. She wouldn't out John on purpose unless she had a good reason for it.

"She'll come back at 8:30. I told her I'd wake you up," John said, brushing his fingers over Rodney's waist.

"That's in less than half an hour," Rodney said unhappily. He wanted to tell the world to go to hell and stay with John right until he got into his hazmat suit and stepped through the gate, but he knew that Jennifer wouldn't let him go without another checkup, and he hadn't said goodbye yet to Teyla and Ronon, or to Zelenka and Sam.

This was the point where no amount of denial would work.

"We still have that much to ourselves," John pointed out, unreasonably positive.

Rodney pouted, but John was right, so he leaned forward and kissed him again.

When the time came, Rodney didn't want to let go of John, but John reminded him that Jennifer would be there any moment and that he might want to get ready first instead of lying naked in bed.

While John fully dressed himself, Rodney quickly used the toilet and washed himself with the cloth. He got into the clothes that he'd chosen to return to Earth in.

He sat down on the bed, that John had made, and John joined him. He took Rodney's hands in his and exuded a calmness and peace that Rodney almost resented. He wasn't sure if John could simply _be_ so _positive_ that it covered his anxiety over losing Rodney, which would be annoying, or if John had never wanted more than one night, which Rodney didn't want to contemplate. Although, even if it was the latter, he knew that John loved him, and if he was content with one night, it was only because he'd never expected even that much and given their circumstances—even without Rodney's new allergy—knew that they could never have a relationship.

They sat like that, and when they heard the sound of the airlock, John turned to him and kissed him one last time.

He got up in time for Jennifer's knock. She'd given them a few more minutes, and she didn't enter now until John opened the door for her.

The whole morning went by in a blur. Rodney said his goodbyes, and even though they all insisted he'd be back in no time, he could feel the finality of it settling in him.

John was there through it all, a calming presence in the background, watching him with a fond smile whenever Rodney's eyes sought him out.

Then the inevitable moment came. Jennifer would have preferred to put him into an isolation pod, but Rodney had always hoped he wouldn't leave Atlantis feet first. He could still walk, so he would do it.

He entered the suit, the others looking on with various degrees of sadness and worry and encouragement, except John who still smiled serenely.

Rodney hadn't said goodbye to him. There'd been no hug. After last night, it would seem disingenuous to display their friendship like that. He wasn't sure what they were now that they had to part, but it wasn't just friends.

He left his room, looking around one last time. The airlock outside wasn't necessary so he just stepped out and walked the halls of Atlantis one last time. He saw people on the way nodding at him.

They looked so genuinely sad that Rodney didn't even think they'd just come to watch the spectacle. He nodded back, even gave a few a smile. He'd miss these people, this city.

In the gateroom, Sam ordered the gate to be dialed. The event horizon formed, beautiful as always, and then Rodney could only look around one more time before his gaze settled on John.

He couldn't just leave like that. He reached out and grabbed John's hand.

"This isn't goodbye," John said, and he seemed so convinced that Rodney felt a bit of hope in his heart. He squeezed John's hand through the material of the suit. Then he let go, walked to the event horizon, and with one last look at John, took the single step to his journey back to Earth.


	2. The Rest of My Life

Any hopes of returning to Atlantis were dashed within a week of Rodney's arrival back on Earth. The expert at the SGC did a myriad of tests, but she didn't seem any less puzzled by it than Jennifer had been. His reactions weren't caused by any single element in Ancient material, which led her to speculate that maybe it wasn't the material itself but the way it had been created.

They didn't really know a lot about that, though, and even if they did, it was questionable if it would help with making Rodney's return possible.

They tried desensitization, but Rodney reacted badly, even though Dr. Thiamhak adjusted the dosage. She stopped after the third treatment, fearing to make things worse instead of better.

He could work, but had to stay away from Ancient artifacts. A joke started to make the rounds: _How do you know if a device is Ancient? It enters the gate and three floors up Dr. McKay sneezes._

They had used his reaction on a few devices that they couldn't classify so far. When Dr. Thiamhak found out, she scolded both Rodney and Dr. Lee for their carelessness.

After the first week, he got letters from Atlantis with the data burst. He got well-wishes and stories. Radek found the right mixture of complaining and easing Rodney's mind that he was doing okay. Jennifer asked him to tell Dr. Thiamhak to forward her reports to her. Teyla sent him a picture that her son had drawn, although he was pretty sure that she'd helped a lot.

John told him about the mission they'd gone on. It wasn't anything special, and Rodney thought that the main point of it was that it had been the three of them. He hadn't gotten a replacement, and Rodney appreciated the thought, but with the way things were going, it also saddened him, because he didn't want to disappoint John.

The letter had ended with a simple _I miss you, John_.

Rodney hadn't sent anything that week. He'd been too caught up in everything and had completely forgotten about the weekly data bursts. The next week he wrote various answers and thank-yous. He compiled Dr. Thiamhak's reports and notes for Jennifer. He wrote up some annoying pieces of advice for Radek.

Then he wrote a letter to John. He sat in front of the computer for a long while before even writing the first word. Could he write "Dear" in a letter that would go through the SGC? He hadn't thought twice about it with Teyla's letter, but he felt he couldn't be careful enough. Eventually he settled on just "John".

He told him about the tests and that they were making no progress and that he'd started working again. He wasn't sure if that would be enough for John to realize what he was saying. In the end, he decided that John would probably use every bit of plausible denial he could find, so he added, "You should look for a fourth member for the team." Then he made a few recommendations with pros and cons and told John to talk to Radek if he needed to know more.

He ended his letter the same way John had with "I miss you, Rodney."

He _did_ miss John, although right now things were still moving so fast that it seemed like one of the crazy times when he'd spent hours and hours in the lab and hardly seen anyone on his team.

That changed soon however.

Dr. Thiamhak cut down on the tests she did with him since it was difficult to interpret the results with just one data point. She soon ran out of things to do for him other than strictly forbidding any contact with Ancient artifacts. SG-13 found something strange and not Ancient on P3X-462, so he went on his first mission, and though he felt the absence of his team, he was glad to be out there again.

In the next data burst, John didn't mention any mission. Rodney wasn't sure if they hadn't gone on one or if he didn't want to make Rodney feel bad because he'd been replaced. Or if he still hadn't replaced him and didn't dare to tell him.

Teyla's and Ronon's letters didn't shed any light on it either. Teyla talked about her son's progress, and Ronon talked about how he'd gone fishing with Radek because he seemed tense. Rodney figured that was Ronon-code for "he misses you".

One month after his return, after they'd turned to the Tok'ra in a last-ditch attempt and they said they couldn't do anything for him either, Dr. Thiamhak ended her efforts to treat Rodney. Of course, that's not what it said in the official report. There was talk about new methodologies and the great improvements that were generally being made in that area, but Rodney could read between the lines, and it all amounted to a big stamp across it that said "HOPELESS".

He sent the report to Jennifer. After perusing the mission reports, he found out that John apparently still hadn't assigned a replacement for him on the team. So he wrote him, "I'm not coming back. I know you don't want to believe it, but it's a fact and neither of us can change it. In the next mission report I expect to see a fourth name on the list of team members."

The week after that John didn't send anything through. Rodney checked the mission reports though and his team had had a reconnaissance mission. In addition to his former teammates, Lorne and Strevlinsky, a physicist from his list of recommendations, had gone along.

Rodney wasn't sure if he had taken Lorne along to baby-sit him or for other reasons, but he was relieved that John had finally gotten it through his head that Rodney was not coming back.

With the relief came the pain of loss. It was as if up until now it hadn't been real that he'd left Atlantis forever. It had been like extended leave on Earth, a special project, not unlike their yearly reviews, even if it had taken a lot longer and he'd had a lot more needles stuck into him.

He visited Jeannie for the weekend, and after half a bottle of wine late in the evening, he confessed his night with John. She was appropriately sorry for him. Then she asked if John couldn't return to Earth to visit him.

Rodney reminded her that they'd given up the Midway station. It was almost a three-week journey with the Daedalus, and he couldn't expect John to make the trip to Earth and back just to see Rodney for a few days, even if Sam would allow it, which he doubted.

He'd see John again. Eight months from now, they would have their annual reviews and would come through the gate. He was looking forward to that, but anything more he couldn't expect to happen and as such didn't hope for.

Back home, he thought about John as he did so often. He let images of that night run through his mind. John above, beneath, around, and inside him. He remembered John's happiness and the love in his eyes. He remembered feeling content, satiated, and happy in John's arms.

He ran his hand over his dick, stroking himself as he thought of John. He wondered if John also jerked off thinking about that night. He probably did. Or maybe he wanted to put it all behind him now that he knew that Rodney wasn't coming back.

This week was the first time John hadn't sent anything through with the data burst. Maybe it was because he didn't know how to tell Rodney that he'd finally given up hope and assigned someone else to the team. Or he wanted to forget about Rodney.

Rodney wouldn't hold it against him. They were both pragmatic people. They did what was necessary to survive, and even if they loved each other—and Rodney still loved him as much as he did the night he'd spent with him—they couldn't be together. Long distance relationships were problematic at best, but not even being in the same galaxy made it impossible. Rodney was realistic enough to see that.

They couldn't even say I love you in letters although Rodney could have encrypted his messages, but what was he supposed to say? _"John, I love you and miss you and masturbate thinking about you every night."_ It wouldn't change their situation one bit, and hanging onto something that they couldn't have would just mean more suffering.

No. It would be okay for John to stop sending messages if that was his wish.

Despite Rodney's decision to accept it if John ceased communication with him, he was disappointed when there was nothing in the next data burst. John could have told him that he couldn't do this anymore at least. But this was John he was talking about. Even that night it had been Rodney who'd pulled him into his arms at first.

John was generally more a man of actions than words, and when it came to emotions it was all in his eyes and the things he did _for_ you, not _with_ you. It had always been like that with John, except on that night, when he'd stopped holding back and had just _been_ with Rodney.

Rodney checked the mission reports to catch at least a glimpse of his life, but their team hadn't had a mission that week.

In the week after that, there was still no word from John. This time Rodney didn't check the mission reports. Instead, he took the rest of the day off and bought a cat.

He restrained himself from calling her John or anything else related to Atlantis and the Pegasus Galaxy. He called her Spencer for no particular reason.

"That's a male name," Bill Lee pointed out to him at lunch the next day.

"She hasn't complained," Rodney answered.

He spent the days in the labs, very occasionally going on missions. He still missed it, even though he didn't wish to join another team here at the SGC, and not just because his condition put him in danger on reconnaissance missions.

He tried to keep fit, though, occasionally running with Teal'c, who was comfortable to be around because he didn't talk much and he also took it slow when Rodney joined him. It seemed a million years ago that he so casually and practically considered sacrificing him. So many things had changed for Rodney since then. He might not be on a team any longer, but he now knew what it meant not to leave anyone behind.

The next data burst came and went without a message from John. This time Rodney hadn't expected anything.

A couple of days later, the Daedalus arrived from Atlantis. She brought some personnel who returned to Earth, some artifacts that Rodney had to stay away from, and a large package to him from Teyla.

She'd packed up pictures and a few handwritten notes—none of them from John. She'd also included the nuts from P3R-997 that he liked to eat on long nights in the lab and a knife from Ronon for when he went on his next mission.

He'd kept up his correspondence with them each data burst, including greetings to John and the others at the end of each, and he'd mentioned his last mission in them. At lunch, he showed the knife to Bill Lee, resisting the urge to slam it on the table in front of him just to see his reaction.

"Nice. Although I hope you won't have to use it in the labs."

Rodney's nose itched. "You were handling the Ancient artifacts, weren't you?"

"How do you— Oh my God, that is amazing," he said with a grin.

Rodney glared at him.

"It _is_ pretty impressive, you have to admit. You're the best and quickest indicator for Ancients artifacts we ever had."

"Except for the part where I'd probably die if I came into actual contact with it by accident."

"You'd be harder to fix," Bill admitted.

Rodney rolled his eyes and tested his new knife on the steak.

He made a wide birth around Bill's lab that day and then had to spend some time signing out. He'd had to explain that the knife was a personal gift and it wasn't dangerous to the public (other than being a knife) and of course it had been cleared with Landry, which wasn't strictly true, but Rodney was sure that Landry _would_ have cleared it since he'd gladly tried some of the nuts Teyla had sent.

When he finally arrived home, he expected to find Spencer complaining, but he hadn't even gotten that far when he was greeted by the sight of John sitting on the stairs next to his door.

Rodney just stared at him for a moment, key already in one hand, the other holding his package from Teyla. He blinked a few times, but John was still there, getting up now.

Rodney _might_ have believed it was a hallucination caused by a severe case of missing John, but with the Daedalus' arrival there was a logical explanation.

John was crazy.

"Rodney?" he asked in a voice not unlike when he talked to people with spears pointing at them.

"You're here," Rodney said, because it was worth saying out loud.

John smiled. "I wanted to surprise you." There was a flicker of something in his eyes. But then he looked speculatively at the door. "We could go inside."

Rodney finally snapped out of it. "Spencer will be waiting for me," he warned.

"Spencer?" John asked tonelessly.

"My cat," Rodney clarified. He saw the relief in John's eyes. He didn't know how John could believe for a second that he could have been replaced so easily. But then, it could have been just someone to take his mind off of John.

Spencer was indeed waiting impatiently. She watched John, but as soon as Rodney entered the little kitchen area, she sprinted towards him, eagerly waiting at her food bowl. Rodney filled it up, and she dug in.

Rodney got out of his coat and gestured at John to do the same. He wore his black BDU pants and shirt and looked as good as Rodney remembered.

"You're here," Rodney said again, because it was still hard to believe.

John nodded and slowly approached him until he stood in front of Rodney. He looked at Rodney's hair and over his entire face before his gaze settled on Rodney's mouth.

Oh God, yes.

Rodney pulled him into his arms, and then they were kissing. It seemed like both yesterday and a lifetime ago that he'd last kissed John. He was as hungry for it as ever and opened up to deepen the kiss.

John was holding his face and whispering his name and "missed you" and "so much".

Rodney ran his hands up and down his back, tugging at the shirt to feel some skin. "Let me show you the bedroom," he said, pulling away for a moment.

John grinned. "I bought supplies on the way here," he said, patting his BDU pockets.

Rodney grinned back, took his hand, and dragged him off to the bedroom.

John fucked him gently until Rodney couldn't take it any longer and pressed his heels into John's ass and told him to stop torturing him. John laughed and thrust faster into him, and soon they lay sweaty and sated in a bed that could actually hold both of them comfortably.

Rodney still rolled onto his side close to John, brushing away a strand of hair that had fallen into his face. They watched each other, took each other in.

He hadn't expected to see John again before the annual review, and even then, he hadn't been sure it would be like this. Rodney still couldn't believe that John had taken this trip just to be with him for a few days.

"When does the Daedalus leave again?"

"Three days."

Rodney sighed.

"But I'm staying longer," John added expectantly.

Rodney didn't quite get it. "Is the Apollo scheduled to make a run to Atlantis?"

"Not that I know of."

"But that means...six weeks. You're going to stay for six weeks?"

John didn't say anything, but then he didn't have to. Rodney wasn't quite sure how that worked out, if he could even take that much leave, but it didn't matter because he was going to have six weeks with John.

"I can take vacation," he said, mentally evaluating the projects he was working on. "Though not for the whole six weeks."

John smiled weakly. "That's okay. I'll have to do some work too," he said, playing with Rodney's hair.

This explained why Sam had let him go in the first place. He'd probably agreed to some desk job work on the way to Earth and back too, which just showed how much he loved Rodney.

Rodney imagined all the things they could do now that they had more than one night and more time to recuperate. He grinned widely.

John put his finger on the edge of that grin. "You have plans again."

"Oh yeah," Rodney said and rolled on top of John.

~~

Rodney called the next day to ask for two weeks off since John was visiting him. Rodney had wondered if it wouldn't look suspicious. John had pointed out that they were _friends_ and it wasn't as if they could _ask_ him anything.

They spent the first two days in bed. Rodney got to fuck John while pressing his face in his back. He also got to do a lot of other things until they ran out of lube and decided if they had to leave the house they might as well stock up on food and other things.

Shopping with John was surprisingly fun. They argued over everything from the merits of chunky peanut butter versus smooth to the necessity of flavored condoms. But it was all playful, and they managed to compromise in every case or just bought both if they couldn't make up their minds.

At home, John wanted to cook lunch for them. So far, they'd ordered something in, and Rodney was skeptical. He loved John, but that didn't mean he'd eat _anything_. His standards were pretty low—or so he'd been told repeatedly—but he couldn't remember that John had ever so much as mentioned cooking.

It was just spaghetti with tomato sauce, but it was surprisingly good, not to mention that John puttering around in his kitchen did things to Rodney's heart—and dick. He wondered if he could persuade John to wear an apron.

They actually sat down at the dining table to eat this time. John talked about comics, but Rodney was too distracted to listen. John was really here with him. Rodney lifted his foot to stroke John's calf.

John stopped talking. Then he asked, "Is that Spencer?"

Rodney looked innocent, except that it didn't seem to work, because John grinned and a moment later Rodney felt him stroking his foot up Rodney's calf.

They ended up in bed again after that, but that night they went out for dinner and saw a movie afterwards. It was some scientifically implausible natural disaster movie, but John enjoyed it, and Rodney enjoyed being with John.

They didn't make out in the theater, by mutual silent agreement, but every now and then their hands would meet in the popcorn bowl and stroke each other.

At the end of the week, Rodney asked John if he planned to visit Dave and his family. John was quiet, and for a moment Rodney feared he'd said the wrong thing, then John said, "I'd like you to come along."

Rodney hadn't expected that.

"Only if you want to of course," John added hastily.

"I want to," Rodney assured him. He thought about it for a moment. "Do you want to tell him about us?"

"Yeah. I want him to meet you," John said, and he looked small and vulnerable for a moment. Rodney took him in his arms and kissed his forehead.

John was withdrawn on the flight to Dave's, and Rodney didn't think it was just being tired from getting up so early. Rodney asked if Dave knew that he was bisexual. John mumbled, "Sort of." Then he blurted out, "I'm gay."

"What about Nancy?" Rodney asked.

John looked at him, clearly uncomfortable. "Can we talk about this another time?"

Rodney nodded. He wasn't going to put any pressure on John. He still wasn't sure what kind of strings John had had to pull to be able to take his trip to Earth, but he knew he must have called in some favors. He had six weeks with John, and he wasn't going to question him.

When Dave welcomed them, he was friendly, but not exactly warm. Rodney could sense the tension between the brothers. He figured they had a lot to talk about and encouraged John to do that in private while Rodney stayed with Dave's wife and kids.

Sally told him about the Sheppard family business and Patrick Sheppard and what little she knew about John's childhood. After lunch, John showed him the stables and rode out with him, which was to say that Rodney took a walk while John rode along, occasionally sprinting a bit further away and back to him.

It was strange to see John in the house where he'd grown up. He could sense the familiarity John had with it, but the memories were mixed for John, Rodney could see that. Dave eventually seemed to warm up to their presence though. Rodney wondered if maybe he'd just needed to get used to seeing John with a guy.

Not that they were overly affectionate. They hadn't even touched the whole time during the visit, and Rodney wasn't going to initiate it. Dave asked about his family. "Your sister must be glad to have you back on the same continent."

Rodney said that they were both happy to be closer. "Actually, maybe we could visit her while you're here," he said to John. Rodney hadn't even called to tell her about John's visit. She'd be smug about it no doubt, but she'd also be very happy for him.

John exchanged a look with his brother. Then he turned to Rodney and said, "Sure", smiling at him.

Dave told him a couple of stories about John, and by the time they had to leave, Rodney had decided that he liked Dave, even if he seemed a bit stuck up at first. Dave even hugged him when they left, and John was considerably more relaxed on the way back.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Rodney asked teasingly.

"No, it wasn't," John said. Then he leaned over and kissed Rodney.

Rodney was a bit surprised. They were at the airport, which was about as public as you could get. Then he smiled and brushed his hand against John, who took it.

~~

They arranged to visit Jeannie a few days later. Rodney wanted to keep it a surprise, even though John thought it was impolite to just invade her home like that. He looked up hotel numbers in the area just in case, which made Rodney roll his eyes.

The days before their flight were spent in blissful domesticity. If this wasn't just his vacation, Rodney would have feared he was turning into Jeannie. He loved just watching John do the most mundane things like putting away the dishes or playing with Spencer.

Waking up next to John continued to be a wonderful experience. Every morning his heart filled with affection at the sight of the tousled hair.

Just ten days had passed, but already Rodney began fearing the day John would leave. Parting with him on Atlantis had been hard. But watching him go after six weeks of living closely together would be even more painful.

He didn't know what would happen after that. He didn't know if John would be able to arrange this once a year for them, so they could see each other twice a year, one of those times a six week stretch. It would be enough for Rodney, he thought. Knowing that John was out there, still thinking of him, would be enough.

And there _was_ still the possibility of encrypting messages for the weekly data burst. He figured data burst sex would make corresponding more interesting for John too.

~~

Jeannie was very happy to see them both and hugged John so hard that Rodney winced.

"I told you he'd come," she had to point out, of course, and Rodney took it gracefully, which meant with only a minimum of grousing.

Madison was at kindergarten and Kaleb at school, so they could openly talk about Atlantis.

"Mer took it so hard that he had to leave, but it wasn't as bad as leaving you behind," she said.

Rodney felt himself flushing. John petted his hand. "It wasn't easy for me either," he said.

"Of course not," she said. "It's almost tragic. There has to be something that you can do."

_Yes,_ he thought to himself, rolling his eyes. _There's something completely obvious, we just choose to ignore it._ He wasn't even sure why he didn't say it out loud. Maybe he wanted to be on his best behavior in front of John. Probably not.

"Couldn't you return to Earth too?" she asked John.

Rodney froze. "Jeannie!"

"It's a perfectly reasonable question," she said, obviously believing just that.

"Rodney, it's okay," John said calmly. He put his hand on Rodney's. "It's something I've considered," he told Jeannie.

"Oh, come on," Rodney said, losing what little patience he had left.

"Mer!" Jeannie chided him.

"Jeannie, you can't ask him that. He can't leave Atlantis."

"Why not?" she asked.

"His friends are there, his job is there, all the puddle jumpers and Ancient Chairs and _all_ of Atlantis. It's his _home_."

John sat stiffly beside him.

Rodney turned to him, his expression softening. "And I know it's not because you don't love me. I know you do. And I love _you_. Which is why I'd never expect you to leave," he told John, meaning every word.

John looked at him intently for a long moment. "But I could," he eventually said.

"No, you couldn't," Rodney answered. "And you know it."

"Doesn't he get a say in that?" Jeannie asked.

"This is none of your business, okay?" At her pinched look, he added. "I'm sorry, but it isn't."

"Fair enough," she said, lifting her chin. "This is between you two, but I think you should talk about it. Later when you're back at home. Now tell me about what you've been doing, unless it's nothing I need to know about my brother."

Rodney flushed. "Then there's not much to tell."

The tips of John's ears were red too. "We did visit my brother," he suddenly said.

"Yes, right!" Rodney agreed.

Jeannie chuckled.

~~

Rodney had already forgotten about that conversation when two days after their return John brought it up again.

"I could stay, you know."

"John, I meant what I said," Rodney said, not really willing to discuss it. It would only get his hopes up when there was none.

"So did I. I _could_ stay," John insisted.

"And then what? You get a team at the SGC and go on missions here?"

"It's what I do on Atlantis now," John pointed out.

"It's not the same." Rodney couldn't believe that he had to explain this to John. He was just being stubborn. "You're in _command_ there. Nobody is telling you what to do, well except for Sam once in a while, but she's easy-going for the most part. You were bored to death the last time you got a team at the SGC."

"That's not true," John said. "I was just very, very annoyed by my team."

Rodney gave him a look.

"I could find a better team this time," John said. "Plus maybe you could join it."

"You know that I can't go on reconnaissance missions. And you'll never find someone like Teyla and Ronon."

"Of course I won't, but it's a _possibility_."

"No, it isn't. Am I talking to a wall here? John, I can't let you do that. You'll mope and be unhappy and sex will distract you only so long. You'll end up hating me, and I don't want that." Which was really Rodney's main fear. They'd both end up miserable, and more than that John would be left here far away from home. It was out of the question.

"But—"

"No!" Rodney shouted. "I'm not going to let you ruin your life for me. And this is the end of this discussion. Now, I'm going to go buy some food for Spencer."

"Rodney," John said, but Rodney walked to the door and was out before John could stop him.

~~

John didn't say anything when he returned. Instead, he took Rodney in his arms and kissed him.

Rodney cupped his face. "It's not that I don't want you to stay. I just can't let you do this."

"Shhh. I know," John said and leaned his forehead against Rodney's.

Then he took the cat food from him and put it on the kitchen counter and pulled Rodney into the bedroom, where he kissed his whole body until Rodney felt as if there was no part of him inside and out that John hadn't touched.

~~

Rodney and John went back to work the next week. Rodney asked John what he had to do, but John only said, "Meetings," and made a face.

They had lunch together that day, but John wasn't any more forthcoming. They spent that evening watching TV although it turned into making out on the couch and neither of them would have been able to tell how the film ended.

The days after that Rodney couldn't even have lunch with John because John was holed up in Bill's lab handling Ancient technology of all things. At least he was Rodney-safe again when they returned home. Rodney didn't even sneeze when he cuddled up to him.

It was nice to come home to someone—although technically, they were coming home together and he had had Spencer before. John told him about the Ancient devices that he'd tested for Bill, and Rodney felt a mixture of excitement and resentment.

John was literally made for Atlantis and all things Ancient, and Rodney couldn't get within thirty feet of them. Jeannie was right. It was a tragedy.

He tried to keep his moping to a minimum, though. John looked so happy when he talked about what he could make those devices do, and Rodney didn't want to spoil it for him. He was going to make the best of their time together. That included not talking about things that made John uncomfortable.

Like the next week when Rodney didn't see him at all at the SGC and twice John couldn't come home with him and was driven to Rodney's apartment late at night.

The first night he had asked, but John had just kissed him and led him to bed.

After that, Rodney simply enjoyed it when John was there, which made both of them a lot happier.

That weekend they stayed in bed and had an indecent amount of sex. Rodney found a fresh bruise on John's back, but didn't ask and just kissed it. They also cooked together and took a walk in the evening.

Sunday evening they lay in bed, happy and sated, and Rodney just watched John, who was still slightly out of breath. John turned to him and raised an eyebrow.

"What are you thinking?"

"That I have no regrets." Which wasn't strictly true, because he had many, many regrets, but not in this, not in the way they'd handled this impossibly difficult situation.

He knew that watching John leave was going to be hard, but this was worth it. It was also worth not asking John what he did all day and where the bruise had come from. It was far from perfect, but not having it at all would be so much worse.

"Neither have I," John said. The decisive tone in his voice sent shivers down Rodney's spine.

~~

They were working again the next week. Then Rodney was going to take another week off—John's last week.

Rodney still didn't know what John was doing in the mountain, and he didn't see him at lunch.

Until he was called into the meeting room on Thursday to explain something to SG-17 in preparation for a mission. He stood at the board, making scribbles to illustrate the problem, when the gate was dialed and he took a moment to watch the team embark. He still felt a bit of longing watching teams go on missions.

Then he recognized the shock of dark hair that he'd run his hands through the night before.

"Which team is that?" he asked Landry.

"SG-4. They're checking out a former Goa'uld planet that was rumored to have a Naquadah mine. Didn't Sheppard mention it?"

There'd been four people going through the gate. Rodney didn't see why they would leave someone at home, just because John was joining them on a single mission. Not that it would even make sense for John to come on that particular mission from what Landry had told him.

Rodney thought about the bruise and the fact that John had come home freshly showered some days, even in the week where he hadn't handled Ancient technology.

Then he thought back to the discussion that Jeannie had started.

"No, he didn't," Rodney said. He looked down at the gate one more time before continuing with his explanation.

~~

Rodney wasn't sure what to do. It was pretty obvious to him that John had told Landry he wouldn't return to Atlantis. Which was exactly what they'd agreed not to do. Well, Rodney had said it and John had said he understood. Which amounted to agreement in Rodney's mind.

He couldn't even yell at John for it, could he? He'd done this for Rodney. Rodney hadn't asked for it, but he'd still done it for him. Plus, yelling apparently hadn't convinced John the last time.

He had to explain this to John in a way that he could understand and accept. First, he had to find out if there was a chance to undo this. The Daedalus was due to return in a bit over a week. Maybe they hadn't appointed a new commander and would wait for Caldwell to discuss it. Although they probably had someone in mind already.

The problem was that he couldn't really _ask_ anyone, since they seemed to think that Rodney would know this. That was another thing. Rodney wondered what exactly John had told them about their living conditions. Staying with a "friend" for a few _weeks_ sounded plausible. But living with him?

In the end, he went home early that day, took a long shower and sat down on the couch waiting for John to return and _not_ tell Rodney anything about the mission he'd been on.

John came home with a bag full of groceries. "I thought I'd cook some vegetable soup," he said happily. Then he saw Rodney's face.

He closed the door and set the bag down. "How did you find out?"

At least he wasn't going to deny it. "I saw you embark. I was in the briefing room with SG-17."

John nodded to himself as if he was contemplating if that was something he should have seen coming. Not that Rodney wouldn't have found out later when John would have still been _there_ after the Daedalus left.

"You can still undo this," Rodney said. He didn't know that for sure, but offense was the best defense, and it _could_ be true.

John looked away. "I've made my decision."

"Then tell Landry you changed your mind. Or have they already appointed someone else?" Rodney suddenly had a thought. "They haven't sent anyone through the gate, have they?"

"Not that I know of."

"See. Maybe they haven't even informed Sam yet. You could still—"

"She knows," John said flatly.

"They sent the resignation in the data burst." Damn.

"No," John said. "I told her that I was resigning when I left Atlantis."

"You... What?" Rodney didn't understand. He'd thought that John had somehow persuaded her to give him enough leave to come to Earth and then decided to stay after being admittedly very happy with Rodney. But if he'd told her before he left... John had known all this time that he wasn't going to return? It made no sense at all.

"I want to be with you, Rodney."

Rodney laughed weakly. "You didn't say a word."

"I wanted to, but you—"

"No," Rodney interrupted him. "I meant before we visited Jeannie. If I understand you correctly, you knew this from the first day."

John looked away again. "I was afraid you'd send me right back with the Daedalus."

"Yes, because you know I'm right."

"No, you're not. I know how you feel, I would feel the same, but you're not right, Rodney. I won't regret this."

Rodney wanted to believe that. He really did, but he knew John. "This won't be enough for you, not in the long run. I know that what we have here is good. The last few weeks have been the best of my life, and believe me if I thought we'd have a chance I would grab it and never let you go again. I'm selfish that way."

"No, you're not," John said with a smile.

"Yes, I am," Rodney said, getting up from the couch and standing in front of John. "I'm selfish and I don't want you to hate me, so you have to go back." He crossed his arms in front of him and raised his chin, daring John to disagree.

John just kept smiling. "I'll never leave you."

"Yes, you will, and now you still have the chance to go back to Atlantis as commanding officer."

"They'll find someone to do the job." John did sound a bit sad about it, though, and Rodney _knew_ that he was right.

"Not someone who's as good as you. Not someone who loves Atlantis the way you do."

"Maybe not, but it doesn't matter. I love _you_ more."

God, there was no talking to this man. He was making this excruciatingly difficult. "It _does_ matter. You cannot leave Atlantis."

"I already have."

"Physically maybe, but it's still your _home,_ and it always will be."

John shook his head. "No."

"John," Rodney said, getting desperate now.

"No," John insisted. "It _was_ my home, and I won't lie to you and say I don't want to go back there. I still hope that maybe they'll figure out how to fix your allergy—"

"They won't," Rodney interrupted him.

"But even if they don't," John continued, "I'm staying with you."

"Can you honestly say that you wouldn't mind if you never see Atlantis again, if you never see Teyla and Ronon again."

"I _would_ mind, but being without you isn't any better. Teyla and Ronon will come by in half a year. We can invite them. Of course I miss them, but do you have any idea how I felt without _you_? Do you think this decision was _easy_ for me?"

Rodney looked at him, chin still up defiantly, even as he felt his resolve weaken.

"I tried, Rodney, I really did. But every time something happened I wanted to go to you to tell you about it. I kept taking two cupcakes because you always like to steal mine. I kept finding myself walking towards your lab before I realized you wouldn't be there. Atlantis was _our_ home, but now that you're not there anymore it's not the same for me. It's not where I want to _be_ after a mission or...ever."

Rodney believed him. Hope was beginning to bloom in his chest, almost painfully. "Are you sure? Because if you aren't—"

"I'm sure," John said, and there was no trace of doubt in his voice. " _This_ is home now," he said gesturing around the room. " _You_ are home."

Rodney looked at him, trying to think of why this couldn't be true, why what he wanted most in life shouldn't be happening, and came up empty. "Okay," he finally said, giving in.

"Really?" John asked, eyes lighting up.

"You've got me," Rodney admitted his defeat.

"I do," John said, pulling Rodney into his arms. "I really do. And I won't let you go." He squeezed Rodney tight until Rodney lost the ground under his feet. He yelped, and John kissed him wetly and let him down again.

"I see Ronon hasn't lost his influence on you," Rodney remarked dryly.

John grinned happily. "We have to tell them in the next data burst. Can you encrypt it in a way that we can tell them how to decrypt it without everyone knowing? Or we could just tell them that I'm staying."

"We'll figure out a way," Rodney said. Then he carefully added, "So you could have changed your mind and gone back?"

John's grin faded. "Carter told me to wait and see how things went. She said she'd consider it a request for leave that she'd grant because of special circumstances and that she and Lorne would have it under control until my return."

"You told her about us?" Rodney would have loved to be present for _that_ conversation.

"Of course not."

"Oh," Rodney said, slightly disappointed.

"But I told her I wanted to return to Earth a month after you went. It doesn't exactly take a genius to figure it out."

"Right." Rodney frowned. "What about the others? I mean Landry and everyone. Don't you think they could figure it out too?"

"Nobody can ask me, and I'm not talking about us."

"You _live_ with me," Rodney pointed out.

"As a _roommate_ ," John countered.

"I don't even have a guest room."

"You have a couch."

"And they're _buying_ that?"

"Honestly? I don't think so, but as long as I don't start complaining about how you snore or that I can't walk because you pounded me real good the night before—"

"I don't snore!"

"It was just an example."

Rodney pouted. "Do I snore?"

John smiled. "Only a bit, but I don't mind." He kissed Rodney's pout away.

Rodney looked at him. "You're really staying," he said as if only just realizing it.

"Yeah," John said pulling him close.

"We should get a house," Rodney said. "This apartment is too small for the three of us."

"Three?"

"Spencer. I know that she's hardly around, but she needs her space too. Plus, if someone ever drops by from the SGC it would be helpful if you could show them your room instead of just the _couch_ ," he said, rolling his eyes at the last.

"A real home," John said.

"Yes," Rodney agreed, kissing him softly. Then panic set in. "We'll have to look at houses. Should we try to get something in the city or closer to the SGC?" Suddenly something else occurred to him. "Oh God. You realize that Jeannie will be insufferable." John laughed. "I'll never hear the end of it. She'll mention it every time—"

That was when John kissed him and didn't stop until they were both breathless.

"Better?" he asked.

"Than ever before in my life," Rodney answered without a beat. He looked at John and saw his own happiness mirrored in his eyes.

_This_ was home, and he was never going to leave it again.


End file.
